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Ask Dr. SchwartzAsk Dr. Schwartz:
Psychotherapy and Mental Health questions

Trying to Reconnect With My Ex

Tue, Jul 19th 2011

I was hoping you can help.

My girlfriend and I were dating for almost 4 years before we broke up. We were living together and everything was fine. We even have a 3 year old daughter. I guess, according to what I can find out, I have "Peter Pan Syndrome."

In the last year or so in our relationship I starting going out too much and hanging out with my friends a lot more. I would leave them at home while I would have "fun." I would always ask her if I could go out and she would say that she didn't mind, or she would give me a simple no.

Things got worse and worse. When she traveled to Boston, I had nothing to do but go out with my friends. I will admit that I do flirt with other girls, but NOTHING comes out of it. I always knew that I'm going home alone and thats that! Well, she looked through my cell phone and saw text messages between my friend and I about me dancing with some other girl and how he and I were joking about it. She wasn't happy. She said that this was the last straw and she broke up with me.

Now, here we are 5 months later and I am trying to work things out. It didn't help my case one bit that I would go out every weekend after she and I broke up and I partied all the time, (But, nothing out of control to where it becomes a drinking problem).

She is saying that she has issues trusting me and that she will never know if this will work. My main concern is our daughter. I don't want her to be raised without both parents and yes, I do love my ex a lot!

I want this to work out between us. For the past month and a half I have been over at my old house, (She lives there now with our daughter), and I'm spending a lot more time. She is more accepting of me touching her, (Rubbing her back, scratching her head), but nothing sexual. I feel that something is going in the right direction, and, when I ask her, she still says that she doesn't know, and that is the confusing part.

Am I reading too much into all of this? I want to go to counseling with her, but, she doesn't have the time because she has a very busy work schedule. I keep asking her to get something going, but to no avail.

What can I do to get her to know that this can work again? I really don't want my daughter raised by anybody else but us two. I am honestly trying my hardest to stop going out. I haven't been going out since I started hanging out with her more.

What are my options? I sometimes feel we are moving in the right direction, but sometimes I feel dead in the water.

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