For Crisis/Emergency Services 24/7
North County: 360-942-2303
South County: 360-642-3787
1-800-884-2298



Timberlands Regional Support Network


powered by centersite dot net
Parenting
Resources
Basic InformationMore InformationLatest NewsQuestions and Answers
My Family is Ruining my Relationship With my Boyfriend My Boyfriend's Children Won't Accept Me....Wife's BehaviorMy 10 Year Old19 Year Old DaughterRespect + Anger ManagmentMy Husband With Daughter...... Adult Son Interferes with Our RelationshipIs This Normal?How Do I Get My 24 Year Old Son To A CounselorIs it Inappropriate to Call my Daughter...19 Yr Old Naive DaughterBoyfriend's Daughter's Strange BehaviorSubstance AbuseHow Should I Help?Trying to Reconnect With My ExFrequently Snapping Over Little Things!Is Our Son's Behavior Indicative of A Mental Health Problem?Mom Disowning Me For Dating Another RaceDaughter In Abusive MarriageMy 19 Year Old Daughter is Out of ControlTwo Year Old Son WanderedDoes my Baby Need Him?Spitting Four Year Old BoyTerrified of TeenMarraige Life of my Parents Boyfriend Still Acting Like a BachelorI Feel Like I Have Failed - - May 20th 2010How Do I Handle This?How Do I Help My 4 Year Old Son Show Compasion?Afraid of Breaking Family Apart11 Year Old Daughter Jealous of my BoyfriendChild BehaviorWhat Should I do With my 19 Year-Old Daughter's Anger Issue?Personal HygieneFirst Time OffenderParenting a Bipolar Child, Not Quite a Child, Not Quite an Adult5 Year Old Behavior-Is it ADHD or Bipolar or Both?Why do I Reject My Boyfriend's Son?odd (ADHD)Help or Do Nothing?16 year old girl with Attention Deficit DisorderDesperately Mother - GloriaMy child needs helpPregnant Again4 year old depressionA Mom In Need of HelpHelp my son with his morbid jealous girlfriend, get him out.Should I be worried?A child with a bad attitudeI feel uglyGiving Up - Dad of three - Sep 15th 2008SHOULD GRANDPARENTS INSIST ON SEEING A GRANDCHILDGranddaughter needs help before I send her homeMy husband no longer believesHELP ME!!!Am I depressed?young teen response to death and griefMY son said he hears voices and whispersMy needy son hates my boyfriend. How can I avoid choosing one over the other?Does my husband love his daughter more than me (his wife)?Bipolar and childrencan 7-yo boy have antisocial personality disorder?Pregnant with bipolarShould I get involved?19 Year Old Daugter--Out of controlI miss my daughterHow do I empty the nest gently?Anxiety in childrenDad will shoot through hoops.Does My Child Have A Mental Problem?Heartbroken Mommothers who sleep with their sonsExplaining Divorce To ChildrenWorking Mother Wants To Stay HomeProtecting Children From Their GrandmotherPhysically Abusive Mentally Ill SonMissing the ChildrenScared Of Her ReactionFailing My DaughterBipolar ParentingPerfectionistic SonProblem ChildHelping Someone with Bipolar DisorderOverburdened Mom
VideosLinksBook ReviewsSelf-Help Groups
Related Topics

Child & Adolescent Development: Overview
Childhood Mental Disorders and Illnesses
Family & Relationship Issues
Child Development & Parenting: Infants (0-2)
Child Development & Parenting: Early (3-7)
Child Development & Parenting: Middle (8-11)
Child Development Theory: Middle Childhood (8-11)
Childhood Special Education
Child & Adolescent Development: Puberty
Child Development Theory: Adolescence (12-24)
Child Development & Parenting:Adolescence (12-24)

Ask Anne: Relationship AdviceAsk Anne:
Relationship Questions

I miss my daughter

Tue, Aug 14th 2007

My daughter and I always had a great relationship. We were friends and we respected each others' boundaries as mother and daughter. She could tell me anything, but she knew she couldn't misbehave, swear, or disrespect me in any way. We didn't go through the typical teenage issues that most parents go through. I told everyone "this is my stellar child."

Her father abandoned us when she was very young, and we became very protective of each other. In 2004, my second marriage failed. A few months later, my niece (who was also my daughter's best friend) was tragically injured in an auto accident, leaving her paralyzed. I created a website and tried to earn money for my uninsured niece who laid nearly dying and in a coma for almost a year. I also single-handedly held a concert to try to help. I believe I was a bit absent for my daughter at that time - the entire family was suffering from trauma.

A girl my daughter went to high school with called our house repeatedly, at all hours to talk to my daughter. My daughter (depressed) refused her calls. The girl seemed to almost stalk her. My daughter finally spoke to her when she learned the girl was also about to lose her best friend to brain cancer. They became close very fast, and I accepted this because they obviously needed each other in the wake of tragic events. But something strange started to occur. My daughter left our church for her friend's church (nondenominational) and spent more time with this gal than she did at home. She no longer had respect for my rules. She seemed to blame me for not being able to fix my niece's injuries. Arguments transpired between my daughter and other family members that seemed to be fueled and/or supported by her friend . . . all in the name of "God." On one occasion, they were caught "kissing." The friends' parents insisted the pastor meet with them to explain that homosexuality/lesbianism is not allowed in the church. They promised it was just an experimental kiss, but that they had no interest in becoming involved romantically. Since then, they asked that we simply trust them, and not bring it up again. Anyone who brings up the subject again will be stricken from their lives indefinitely.

When my daughter turned 18, her friend and she repeatedly insisted she didn't have to obey my rules because she was an adult living in my house. I told them that as long as my daughter lived with me, she would abide by my rules, or they both could leave. They both left that night. My daughter's friend told her father, who is a cop, that I had threatened her with bodily harm. I insisted this was not the case and wanted to speak to my daughter calmly. He refused to believe me, told me I was a terrible parent (though he doesn't know me), and that he would take any ACTION NECESSARY to protect the two girls from me. Of course, the fictitious accusation and threat angered me and I swore like a trucker. My daughter moved in with her friend's family, which I was unhappy about, but had to accept.

Later I reconciled and got them both a job at my law firm. Her friend had difficulty in her tasks and was reprimanded by a supervisor. My daughter's friend believed I was sabatoging her and her job to her superiors. My daughter and her friend confronted me and I told them that was not the case. They did not believe me and both quit their jobs (without notice) on the same day. A few months later, my daughter moved to another state with the family. This was nearly 2 years ago. I've tried to be civil, but always end up getting hurt.

A year ago, I began seeing and moved in with a new man. My daughter's friend sent me nearly 30 scriptures - using God's word to call me a "whore." Additionally, she has told me I'm a horrible parent. I've tried to ignore her antics, but what hurts the most, is my daughter will not come to my defense, which leads me to believe she believes all of this, too. She no longer wants to pursue a career in the medical field, but is taking her best friend's advice - find a hardworking, good-Christian man to marry so she'll never have to work. But she hasn't had one date since she moved away with her girlfriend. And she has nearly terminated every other relationship she had with her family and other friends - again in the name of "God." She poses in portraits as though she is a member of their family . . . and I feel like a biological toxic waste dump. But she does call before birthdays and holidays to insure her token gift, and she always says she loves me.

I feel like I don't know this person my daughter has become. On one hand, I know she's being manipulated and brain-washed to a certain extent. But on the other hand, I raised her to be an independent, self-thinking individual - so I know I shouldn't make excuses for her. Recently, she was hospitalized with an ovarian cyst . . . she didn't even bother calling me. I am to see her in two months, if she keeps her end of the bargain. I'm afraid to tell her how deeply she hurts me because I don't want to lose her anymore than I already have. She already put me on notice, she will not stay with me during her visit, but with her stepfather (who in my opinion - let us down). She thinks it's okay to dictate to me. She's using MY LOVE FOR HER as a weapon against me. I want to ask her what I did to deserve this treatment. If it's because I don't like her friend, then perhaps, I could compromise. When her friend loosens up her hold on her a bit, I'll begin liking her more and maybe one day even forgive her for calling me a whore and bad parent. I have asked many people for advice. The first two questions they ask are always: 1. Are they gay? 2. Are they in a religious cult? And my answer is "I don't know. I just miss my daughter." Help?

THE ANSWER TO THIS QUESTION WILL NOT BE DISPLAYED UNTIL YOU HAVE INDICATED YOUR AGREEMENT WITH THE DISCLAIMER PRINTED JUST BELOW. CLICK THE 'I AGREE' BUTTON TO AGREE TO THESE TERMS AND SEE THE RESPONSE.

Disclaimer

  • 'Anne' is the pseudonym for the individual who writes this relationship advice column.
  • 'Anne' bases her responses on her personal experiences and not on professional training or study. She does not represent herself to be a psychologist, therapist, counselor or professional helper of any sort. Her responses are offered from the perspective of a friend or mentor only.
  • Anne intends her responses to provide general information to the readership of this website; answers should not be understood to be specific advice intended for any particular individual(s).
  • Questions submitted to this column are not guaranteed to receive responses.
  • No correspondence takes place.
  • No ongoing relationship of any sort (including but not limited to any form of professional relationship) is implied or offered by 'Anne' to people submitting questions.
  • 'Anne', Mental Help Net and CenterSite, LLC make no warranties, express or implied, about the information presented in this column. 'Anne' and Mental Help Net disclaim any and all merchantability or warranty of fitness for a particular purpose or liability in connection with the use or misuse of this service.
  • Always consult with your psychotherapist, physician, or psychiatrist first before changing any aspect of your treatment regimen. Do not stop your medication or change the dose of your medication without first consulting with your physician.